Lesbain Lingo
100 Footer
This is not about size. A “100 footer” is someone who’s so stereotypically gay by their appearance (or mannerisms) that you can tell their sexuality from 100 feet away. Next time you’re in a predominantly straight space parched for some queer energy, and someone very lesbian-presenting catches attention; you can happily whisper, “Check out the 100-footer walking into the bar” to your friend.
Lesbian Bed Death
This phrase is used to describe the declining sexual experience in committed long-term lesbian relationships. It claims that the longer the relationship lasts, the less sex lesbian couples have, and as a consequence, they experience less sexual intimacy. The term originated from a 1983 study by sociologist Pepper Schwartz, which states that lesbian couples have less sex than non-lesbian ones. But many people believe that “Lesbian death bed is a myth!” Couldn’t the same be applied to many married hetero couples? Or is it due to the mechanics of lesbian sex that lesbian bed death may occur?
Ace
“Ace” is slang for “asexual,” meaning someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction towards anyone. Even if they’re in a romantic and loving relationship, someone who is ace will still not feel sexual attraction. There’s a nuanced book about this by Angela Chen called Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex.
Black Cat Lesbian
Catwoman. Strong, dark femininity, sexy, and a feminine top. These traits are stereotypical of a black cat’s fierce independence and mysterious vibe. They often are smart, have some cuteness aggression, are protective, hyper-aware, and will pounce if necessary. That’s why they say, “Black cat lesbians pair well with golden retriever lesbians.” The con: sometimes they can be mean.
Golden Retriever Lesbian
This refers to someone who has the personality and tendencies associated with the dog breed: warm, friendly, playful, easygoing, and affectionate. It originated from the idea of someone loyal and caring, like a lesbian who’s willing to do anything for their girlfriend! So, “it must be nice to have a golden retriever girlfriend. They’re always there to support, listen, and lift your spirits!” The con: sometimes they’re lost in la-la-land.
Sapphic
Sapphic is a term used to describe women who love women (WLW) and can also include non-binary people who are attracted to women. It’s considered more inclusive than just saying “lesbian” since it can include bisexual, pansexual, and other non-heterosexual women and non-binary folks. So, while all lesbians are sapphic, not all sapphic people are lesbians!
“Sapphic” is also used as an adjective to describe anything WLW—especially books, but also culture, movies, and relationships. So if someone says, “Your playlist is very sapphic,” you’ve probably added anthems celebrating love and empowerment among WLW!
Scissoring
Genital-to-genital contact in lesbian sex can be done in various positions.
Butch
Butch lesbians often adopt a more masculine style with a specific aesthetic in terms of dress and appearance, preferring clothes and hairstyles that might be considered traditionally masculine. They might also engage in activities or professions that are traditionally dominated by men. Originating in the early 1900s, the word emerged within lesbian communities seeking to assert non-conforming gender identities. For instance, one might say, “She proudly identifies as butch, preferring to dress in a more masculine style and embracing her assertive personality.“
What is the difference between “masc” and “butch“? Butch is a cultural identity with a deep history, whereas masc is a broader umbrella term for masculine. While all butch individuals can be considered masculine, not all masculine-presenting individuals identify as butch
Masc Lesbian
This is an umbrella term for many different types of lesbians, from butch to soft masc lesbians, who appear or behave in a more masculine way. But the levels of “masculinity” involved can completely vary from very masc to lightly masc. It’s basically everyone on the chapstick side of the spectrum to butch. But unlike “butch,” which is specific to lesbians, “masc” (short for “masculine”) is a term also commonly used by gay men and transgender folks.
Pillow Princess
This is slang for someone who likes receiving pleasure during intimacy but doesn’t reciprocate or take an active role. For instance, you might say, “She’s a pillow princess because she likes being spoiled in bed.” Yes, a pillow princess expects a princess treatment, which is appealing to some but a deal-breaker for others. I think it’s also important that we not judge all pillow princesses, because this role is deemed perfect for stone tops (see below).
Stone Top (AKA a Stone Butch)
This refers to lesbians with a high traditionally masculine presentation, who prefer to only give during intimacy. They do not “receive”. So basically masc lesbians who do not want to be penetrated and want to always be top (see “top” definition above). To some (pillow princesses or experimenting straight women) this may sound like a dream, but for others, it can be frustrating. It’s also not uncommon for this inability to be touched or received, to be rooted in past trauma for the stone top. However, it’s not always the case. So tread sensitively and carefully.
“Melting the stone” is when a stone top’s partner makes them feel comfortable and safe enough to receive. Though this should never be the expectation going into a relationship, it can happen naturally. Many ex-stone tops report wishing they had been able to open up long ago but that it took someone very special who they could trust to explore that vulnerable part of themselves.
Top, Bottom, & Switch (Controversial?)
These terms describe people based on their “role” or “preference” in sexual encounters, but they can also now culturally apply to dominance in other aspects of life.
A “Top” is someone who likes to “give” or actively take charge during sex, often seen as dominant. A “bottom,” on the other hand, prefers a more passive role, enjoying “receiving” from their partner and is seen as submissive (see “pillow princess” below). Lastly, a “switch” enjoys both giving and receiving during sex, switching roles as desired. So, if her dating profile says she’s a versatile switch looking for a compatible partner,” it means she likes being both a top and bottom.
However, many lesbians feel it’s less applicable to lesbians. This is because 1) these terms can feel limiting and heteronormative. And 2) they were used to traditionally describe sexual positions for gay men, not personalities. The labels became more of an internet trend in recent years through Lesbian TikTok. And now, it can feel uncomfortable to many lesbians that the younger generation is giving significance to these labels outside the bedroom. While others argue that we should all aim to be both givers and receivers.
On the other hand, these labels can be helpful for someone who strongly identifies with either end of the top/bottom spectrum. For instance, if you’re a stone top (see “stone top” above) and your partner also strongly identifies as a top, sexual compatibility might be challenging. The same applies if both partners are complete bottoms or “pillow princesses” who don’t reciprocate. Labels can be particularly useful for sexual compatibility, casual hookups, and/or one-night stands where sexual roles are a primary focus.
While not compulsory or necessary, these labels help some individuals specify important aspects of their sexual preferences, enhancing compatibility. For others, these labels might not matter, and that’s perfectly fine too. Ultimately, the top/bottom/switch dynamic is just a tool to help predict sexual compatibility.
Femme Lesbian
This is slang for lesbians who present themselves as traditionally feminine in terms of gender expression and vibe. The difference between femme lesbian and queer femme is that the latter is an umbrella term for WLW who are feminine-presenting. So, if someone is a femme lesbian, they’re also considered a queer femme, but if someone is queer femme, it does not automatically mean they’re a femme lesbian.
Lipstick Lesbian
Lipstick lesbians are also femme lesbians, except they’re “high femme” (hyperfeminine). They’re on the other extreme end, fully embracing a traditionally feminine gender expression. They love makeup, skincare, and all that glam! You won’t see them flop a cute feminine outfit, and they may have polished and bold looks. Thus, the term “lipstick.” A lipstick lesbian can be a top, bottom, or switch. The stereotype con: They might be seen as high-maintenance.
Chapstick Lesbian (Futch)
Chapstick lesbian or futch falls somewhere between the opposite ends of femme and butch. So, you can expect a mix of masculine and feminine styles (or neither!). What’s so special about this gender expression is how hip and laid-back it can be. Often effortless, it leans more towards natural and comfy instead of high fashion—like chapstick being less prominent on the lips compared to lipstick.
Having trouble imagining? Think about Kristen Stewart’s style and vibe!
Soft Masc
Soft mascs are lesbians who have a sort of masculine-leaning expression but still have some feminine qualities to their appearance, attitude, or vibe. Think of an athletic woman with beautiful long black hair who wears a baseball cap, halter top, rings, and cargo pants. Their attitude and behaviours break away from the stereotype but still lean towards “masculinity”. For example, they won’t refuse a bouquet from you and may even use you as a pillow and love to be the little spoon. But they still exhibit masculine qualities such as a more masculine voice and hobbies.
Stereotype: Considered to have a more emotionally healthy balance of femininity and masculinity. For instance, at a state fair, they won’t shy away from showing you they’re scared of a Ferris wheel but will win you the basketball teddy bear prize.
Dom/Sub
Very similar to top and bottom. Dom = Dominant. Sub = Submissive. This is traditionally about sexual preferences but has leaked into “personalities” in recent years. For instance, Dom Femmes are lesbians who are feminine-presenting in terms of appearance and energy, but their attitude leans more towards the dominant side (like a black cat). They embrace a girly look but they are not considered “submissive” in their relationship, and probably not in bed, either.
“Do You Listen to Girl in Red?”
This lesbian question is Gen-Z lesbian slang used to subtly ask a woman about their sexual orientation or interest in women. Basically, another way of asking, “Are you a lesbian?” It originates from the song “Girls” by the artist Girl in Red, who’s popular for her bold and unabashedly WLW tracks. If someone asks you if you listen to Girl in Red, they’re probably into girls and checking in if you’re up for a lesbian first date.
Gold Star Lesbian
Think of the gold star stickers teachers give for excellence in kindergarten. In lesbian slang, a “gold star lesbian” is someone who has never done the deed with a man.
Note: For some queer folks, this term can come off as offensive because they feel it can suggest a hierarchy or divisions between lesbians, bisexual people, and others who have different experiences with their sexuality. What do you think?
Hey Mamas
Popularized by Lesbian TikTok, Hey Mamas are masc-leaning lesbians who tend to give (excuse the word) f*ck boy vibes. They often post thirst traps, with lots of lip-biting, regularly! While some may cringe at the Hey Mamas, others like Jax Irwin state their beneficial role in the lesbian ecosystem: they recruit lesbians, even from the straightest parts of the spectrum!
“They are a large, vibrant, and very intense community. Whenever I see them come up on TikTok, some of the Hey Mamas are joking about it, some of them are very legit… [and] some of them know what they’re doing so they’re getting the views… But I immediately go to the comments because I’m [thinking] they’re going to get ripped apart. But no. It’s all, straight women from Oklahoma being like “I’d leave my husband for you” …This is how the lesbians recruit! Thank you to the Hey Mamas.” – Jax Irwin of Adam Wylde & Jax Podcast.
Stud
A stud refers to a Black lesbian who presents themselves in hypermasculine ways, similar to butch lesbians. However, studs specifically embody cultural concepts of Black masculinity, making this term unique to the Black lesbian community. It’s not about skin tone but the cultural upbringing and experiences that shape their identity. Note: Be careful about using this slang, as it is exclusively used by the Black lesbian community.
Stemme
Stemme (or stem) is a combination of femme and stud. Just like a stud, this is it is exclusively used by the Black lesbian community. Sort of like a soft masc or chapstick lesbian, they usually present themselves with a mix of both feminine and masculine styles or they may also be androgynous. So, if someone’s not strictly femme or a stud, “She’s more of a stem who probably has versatile fashion choices.“
Tribbing
Tribbing or scissoring refers to a sexual position by which two lesbians rub their genitals (vulvas and clitoris) against each other’s for pleasure. There is a lot of niche conversation about this, with some lesbians saying that scissoring isn’t real. Others say that it’s all about the anatomy of innies and outies contributing to the sensations (or lack thereof). And some say that the people who say it does nothing are doing the positioning incorrectly. Whew.
U-Haul/U-Hauling
Coming from the term “u-haul” (the truck people rent for moving), “u-hauling” is a lesbian slang for moving in together early in the relationship. This parallels the stereotype that lesbians tend to get committed and move in too soon after starting to date. So, if “They just met last week and already they’re talking about u-hauling,” that means they’re eager to take things to the next level.
But, really, why do most lesbians move so fast?
Baby Gay
A “Baby gay” or “baby dyke” refers to a lesbian who has recently realized her sexual orientation and/or is new at embracing it. She’s new to the LGBTQIA+ community and learning about being gay, so be patient with her! It’s exciting to see baby gays finding their place in the community at all points of their lives. We welcome you with open arms! You can also be a baby gay if you were always queer but just recently began to embrace it, the culture, and/or the community for the first time. I like to tell nervous baby gays that fumbles are a natural part of the journey. So fumble away as you grow into yourself (respectfully)!
Urge to Merge
In lesbian slang, the “urge to merge” refers to the tendency of some lesbian relationships to quickly develop intensely, often leading to partners spending a lot of time together early on and becoming very close emotionally. This phrase captures the idea that many lesbian couples feel a strong desire to connect deeply and may merge their lives faster than what is typically seen in heterosexual relationships. The term is often used humorously to describe how quickly things can escalate in lesbian relationships, sometimes with a nod to the other slang/stereotype of lesbians “U-Hauling” (moving in together very early in a relationship).
Please note: “Dyke,”
a term for masculine lesbian is considered one of the derogatory terms for lesbians. But the lesbian community reclaimed the word as a positive one, even non-masculine-presenting lesbians refer to themselves as dykes nowadays! Yay!
